today
i am tired
really tired
but not cranky tired. not yet
i am happy. life is good. and for that i'll take a little sleepiness.
song-of-the-week: i hate everything about you by three days grace. but today i don't hate you. today, i love everything about you.
Do you ever have moments or days when you just feel so full of love you fear you might burst? I have them every once in a while. I feel like I don't have enough people in my life to properly distribute such amounts of love. I want to hug everyone and tell them I love them (it's times like these that I'm grateful for my shyness). I want to smile as big as my mouth will allow and laugh to the sky. because life feels just that good. It has those moments when I wish I had someone I could just run up to and hold for an indefinite amount of time. Just be in the moment and feel completely at peace and so very very happy. bask in the joy.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone deserving of my love. That sounds selfish and conceited, I know. But, I think of all the people out there who could take advantage, who I would willingly give all I had for, only to be selfishly abandoned. left with nothing.
Is there really someone out there who will understand the importance of such a gesture? who will stay with me forever? who will deserve all the love i have to give, because he will in turn be giving such love to me?
I hope I have these moments the rest of my life. So when I have kids I can snatch them up and hug and tickle them until they laugh uncontrollably and I can hear the love and happiness that I feel. So when I have a husband I can surprise him at work with a piece of chocolate cake that we can share at his desk and laugh at all the silly things in our wonderful lives.
the past couple days i've been noticing little things that make me smile. so i decided i would record some, and maybe i'll try to keep it up every once in a while.
Sometime last week: was walking on campus when a random guy walking by said, "hey! how are you today?!" it kind of shocked me, thus making my response quiet and awkward. but afterwards i couldn't help but smile.
Tuesday: stopped by my mom's house to find a plate full of BYU's mint brownies. if that doesn't put a smile on your face, i don't know what will. they are my fave. so of course i ate one....or two. and i enjoyed every second.
Thursday: saw a construction worker carrying a "road work ahead" sign. i had no idea those signs were so big. it was like the big/little world in mario64. the sign was huge and the guy was tiny. i laughed out loud.
Friday: saw a woman walking out of the women's bathroom carrying a plant watering can. i'm sure she was just filling it up, but even so. it was one with a really long spout. my first thought was, what the watering can? i smiled.
Al dog's song-of-the-week: This is for Keeps by The Spill Canvas. This song is so precious. I read that he wrote it after reading Twilight. Anyway, i like it even without that connection, maybe more actually. It's just so sweet to hear a guy telling a girl that being with her even for eternity isn't enough, he loves her that much.
I've always wanted to live in a small town. Something about them just feels so homey. Whenever I watch Gilmore Girls I wish I lived in Stars Hollow.
I want a gazebo in the middle of town where all the events take place. Fourth of July breakfast, Easter Egg hunts, carnivals.
I especially want a place like Luke's, where everyone goes for some good food, the place to hang out.
Town meetings sound like quite the fun time in my book. A good place to make decisions and possibly get a good laugh.
And yes, I even want a town troubadour, not only because I love hearing the guitar, but well, who doesn't love a good troubadour?
When I "grow up" I fully intend to find a good ol' small town and settle in for some good times.
I realized this morning whilst making my glorious 45 minute drive to work (which I really do love) that I've been single for only 3 months. I don't know why, but it was quite the shocker haha. It seems like it's been SO much longer than that. In a good way. So much has happened, so many things have changed. I feel like a completely different person than I was 3 months ago. I've learned so much about myself, about what I want, about the person I hope to be, about what's important in my life, but also about others and the reasoning's behind their choices. Like, I understand so much more why things have happened in the way they did. Even now, it seems like everyday I get more and more okay with the different things in my life that are going on. It still isn't easy, but it's workable, and that's all I can hope for.
I think I've become stronger (emotionally and mentally, not physically ha). I think I've become more sure of myself, come into my own skin more, if you will. I'm more comfortable with myself. I've seen how some past decisions have made me maybe less happy than I want to be, and I know now what to look for in order to avoid making similar mistakes. Like relationships, since I brought up the subject haha. I've made some pretty bad choices when it comes to relationships (maybe "bad choices" isn't the right phrase. more like, I acted in ways that weren't true to myself). Not just with boyfriends, but with other boys that I've liked and gone on dates with, even if it never got more serious. My total outlook on the whole dating situation has changed. At least in my mind it has, in practice it has turned out to be a little more difficult. But I'm not as naive as I used to be. Nor am I as desperate. Of course I still want to be loved by someone, but I'm not willing to be the only one to sacrifice for it to happen. I'm not waiting around anymore - let him wait for me. No more one-sided relationships. It's got to be two-sided all the way. And I'm not doing the chasing anymore. I'm leaving the men's work to the men.
Song-of-the-Week: Closer to Love by Mat Kearney. I've loved this song from the first moment I heard it. I also love his new album, which I have yet to purchase, but definitely intend to. We all have our moments when the world comes crashing down around us. We find ourselves shocked and in disbelief. In our rooms crying for relief, for a miracle. And we all have in our minds the dream that through all of it, there will be someone there to offer a shoulder to cry on, to pick us back up, to pull us back to the surface, to bring us closer to hope, closer to love. Love, the raw emotion - the light in the dark - that always surfaces in the midst of tragedy.
I just read this book called The Memory Keeper's Daughter.
I was really skeptical about it at first, but my mom read it for book club, so I gave it a chance. It was a really intense book. Most of it is really depressing, and some of the characters were really frustrating. But, after I finished it I decided that I really did like it. It gave really good perspective on life. The book is centered on choices. One choice really. A split-second decision that changed the course of a family's life forever.
It's always so crazy to think about all of our decisions and how they shape our lives. Sometimes we choose to do things that have minor effect on our futures, but sometimes we choose to do things that will forever impact our futures, whether it's for good or bad. Usually we have time to think over our choices before we make big changes. Hopefully marriage is one of those things, and buying a house or car, deciding on a major, etc. But sometimes things are decided so fast that we barely have time to really think things over before changes are already in motion. In the book, the father makes a decision in the moment and doesn't realize the impact it's going to have in his life. It's a decision that he keeps secret from everyone in his life, even his wife. And it destroys his marriage. He never tells his family what he did. He thought he was keeping everyone safe by keeping this secret, but really he was destroying his own life and the lives of those around him. He was so stubborn, he was afraid of what would happen if he told what he did, he thought it would ruin everything, but instead, by keeping it to himself, everything was ruined anyway. It's so interesting to see how certain decisions pan out in the long run. It may be barely detectable, but every choice we make shapes every moment of our lives.
The book goes through the character's lives. It focuses a few chapters on a year or two of each of their lives and then it skips several years. I think it goes through 20 or 30 years. It really made me stop and think about how things change over the years and the possibilities that life holds. I'm only 21, I still have 3 or 4 more "20 year" spans to look forward to. That's a lot of time.
I think it's really easy for us to get caught up in our own lives and in silly superficial things that aren't really important to our overall life. We forget that we have years left to live. Especially being single and in college, nothing is really permanent, everything is changing and sometimes I feel completely lost. I get so focused on one thing that I forget that in 5 years, everything will probably be totally different.
So, I'm sure you're wondering why in the world would I decide to leave my dear Larke and the beautiful Colorado. Well, sadly, Larke and I have decided that me leaving is the best thing for both of us right now. You see, we have both acquired some....unwanted "baggage" of, say, about 5+ pounds each, since I've gotten here. I don't think I need to emphasize the seriousness of this issue. How will we ever be able to find happiness in our lives if this continues? There is just too much at stake. So, the decision was made that I must leave so as to save our happiness, and, let's face it, our lives.
And if you believed any of that then you should be ashamed of yourself. We're not that shallow...most of the time. But for reals. I haven't been able to find a job and as nice as it's been not having to work (it's been fantastic, by the way), my chances of surviving college with no money are, well, slim to none. And I feel good about going back. I'm not sure why, since I don't really have much to look forward too in Utah for the rest of the summer, but I've got the faith, and that's all that matters right? So, I'm going back to my amazing BYU job (and you better believe i'm taking the stairs) and hopefully I'll be living at my dad's in the good ol' Eagle Mountain, sleeping in a bed all to myself, not my own bed, of course - that was disposed of long ago, but a bed all for myself nonetheless :)
Can I just say that I miss my family? I honestly didn't think I would get homesick, and I didn't really. Until this last week. I miss my mom (especially her hugs, as previously noted). And I miss my dad (and his hugs, they're amazing). It's sad knowing that I'm missing family parties and birthdays and stuff. Two months is not a long time, I know, but it was a good glimpse.
With all that said, I'm going to miss Larke so much! and her family. they are amazing (have I used that word too much in one post?). they have been nice to let me live in their house and eat their food and lounge about with no care in the world (me, not them). I'm sure they'll be glad to be rid of me. haha. They are hilarious. I laugh a lot. Jantz (larke's little brother) has been my entertainment when Larke's at work or school. He's hilarious. and a punk at the same time. so basically like the little brother i never had (....until of course i got 4 little brothers).
I love living out here - my dad and stepmom would LOVE it. seriously, they should move out here, there is no other place out there this perfect...well, ok, if it didn't snow here, then it would be perfect.
I'm gonna miss shopping for clothes (with money I don't have), going out to eat (with money I don't have), watching movies (those are free...usually), dvr-ing countless tv shows (of which I have now become addicted to - the tv shows, not the dvr...ok a little bit the dvr), watching csi for as long as my heart desires (also courtesy of dvr), eating larke's brownies (they are THE best), not holding back comments (which are always meant to be funny of course and result in me laughing - sometimes i say funny things ok? there's no one else i can do such things with), trying to fall asleep after larke has reached her "slap happy" state and won't stop laughing, thus making me laugh, which equals less sleep for her (not for me, I sleep until whenever I want...which is always 9 for some reason), and, well, just hanging out with larke doing whatever (like writing this blog while she writes a talk for church tomorrow-and the inspiration for the title of this post. yep i'm going to miss even these moments), and countless other things which i'll withhold, from this post at least.
I'm only a little sorry this blog was so long. But honestly, if you really count me as a friend then you'll have suffered through it. Although if you would use the word "suffer" then maybe we shouldn't be friends...
Song-of-the-Week make up: I don't think i did one last week - because i'm a slackface. so here it is: Ain't No Sunshine by Kris Allen. I know, I know, another one! But this one is only a tribute because he won! I was shocked. shocked! he's my fave, but Adam was better and I think he deserved it more to win. But alas, that was not the case. I'm super excited for his cd to come out. So, enjoy my dears!
oh and ps, i'm going to post pictures if not tomorrow then for sure on monday, so, mark your calendars. ha!
I wish you were all here right now. It is pouring rain. Like, pouring. and it is so beautiful. I should really be out there right now dancing around. I love rain out here. It's not like Utah rain; it actually stays for more than like 10 minutes. Sometimes it rains half the day. I love it. I'm going to miss it. and Colorado for that matter. Oh, I guess I should confirm that I am, in fact, coming back to Utah like planned in the middle of June, the 18th is the plan. I'm excited to be back home, and you better believe you're going to be seeing me! but boy am I going to miss this place. It's been so much fun.
My camera batteries are charging right now, but when they finish I'll try to put up some pictures of the past few weeks...unfortunately none from the amazing rain because of previously mentioned batteries.
So it's kind of ridiculous that i've been here for almost a month and i still have no new pictures. i'm sure you're disappointed, because i certainly am. i wish i could tell you that my camera isn't working or i lost a vital piece of it, but i can't because that would be lying. i should have so many pictures to show off, but i have zero...unless you count pictures of just me, then i have a lot haha, but no one wants to look at those but me. So this post is a promise of more pictures to come.
Also, i love my mom. and frantic 30 second phone conversations. and talk of gilmore girls. especially when the three are combined.
Ok, so I forgot that I planned to write another blog this week....so here it is haha.
Some updates...I talked to my boss at BYU and he is a-okay with letting me stay here all summer and for sure on letting me still work in the fall, which is just fantastic. All I need to do is find a job, which will ultimately be the determining factor. I've applied for a couple already. I just really hate looking for jobs and I honestly really don't want to get a job, so the motivation factor is certainly getting in the way. But I know I have to, so I'm trying real hard to want it to happen. Along with the staying business, I think that I'm going to have to cut out pretty much all my traveling...well, mostly. I'm 100% for sure going to daisy's wedding and my family camp thing in August. I'm pretty sure i'll be going to San Diego with Larke, although it might cost too much, we'll see. Anyway, I'm really bummed I don't get to do the other stuff, like a lot. But oh well, I guess that's life. You have to have money if you want to do it all. But I'll see Stevo in two years and my family will still be there with more family reunions to come in the future.
Larke and I went to eat at Cheesecake Factory tonight. It was delish, as always. but this time instead of getting what I always get, I got orange chicken. and let me tell you, it was amazing, exactly what i was in the mood for, perfect. (and i made the decision really fast, which never happens) and then I got the brownie sundae cheesecake (because how on earth can you go to the cheesecake factory and not get cheesecake? i mean really). I've wanted to get this one for quite some time, because, well, i love love love hot fudge, but for some reason i just haven't. so i got it (i know, a night of risk taking, haha) and it was so so good.
So, good times. I do miss lots of people though, especially my mom's hugs.
Song-of-the-Week: Heartless by Kris Allen. I know I know, 2 Kris Allen songs in a row? but really, i love love (man i'm on a roll with the double words tonight haha) this song, especially when he sings it. he's my fave. i have bought so many of his songs off iTunes, it's kind of ridiculous, but i just can't help myself. Kanye's version is pretty fantastic, but, well, so is this one.
Whoa, it has been a real long time since i've written anything. I've been thinking about maybe staying here for the whole summer. There are so many things in the air, but I really want to stay. However, that means I would have to get a job. And, there are so many things going on this summer that if i stayed, i would have to choose what to go to, since travelling isn't all that cheep. Here's the fun things going on:
May 31: Stevo, basically our 7th roommate at the Glenwood (and our fhe dad) has his farewell in California. I really want to go because my roommates will be there and I didn't say goodbye to him before I left, which is just not allowed. If I go, I would fly to Utah on the 28th, drive with two of my roommates on Friday to California, then leave on Monday to Utah, and fly back on Tuesday. If I don't go, I can always wait until his homecoming in two years. And of course I'm going to write him on the mish.
June 19-20: Family Reunion with Steve's family at cabins up in Heber. I love family get togethers and so of course I want to go to this, but my mom said that if necessary, I don't have to go. I wouldn't be that heartbroken if I didn't go, but it would be fun. If I went, I would probable fly in Friday morning and then fly back Sunday. It's also my dad and sister's birthday that week, so I would probably be able to see them, which would be nice.
July 8-13: Larke's friend is getting married in San Diego and she wants me to come with her so she can have a friend. It would be way fun to go. And on my way back I could just fly to Utah for Daisy's wedding.
July 14: Daisy's wedding. Of course I am for sure coming to this no matter what, definitely wouldn't miss it. If I stay here and go with Larke to California, I'll just fly from there to Utah and then on the 15th I'll fly back to Colorado. If I got a job, I would have to make sure I had this time off.
August 13-18: Family trip with my dad. I'm so excited for this one and of course I'm going no matter what. We're going to some place in Colorado to go camping. There are like cave ruins and stuff. If I stay here I will probably meet up with my family for the trip and then go with them back to Utah when we're done.
I know this will sound cheesy, but even just being here for a few days, I've realized just how much I've missed Larke. We have so much fun together. And even though she has work and school and usually doesn't get home until like 8 or 9 at night, it's still been really good. She's such a good friend and honestly, she's helped me through so many hard times, even when we've been apart. And her family has been so nice and welcoming. Her mom is home during the day and so usually it's just her and me for most of the day. We go on walks in the mornings sometimes and she always makes sure I eat when I should. She's like my colorado mom (no offense mom, you'll always be the best). They have family dinner together. with real meals. It's fantastic. And their house is amazing. They built it a few years ago and the layout is so cool. I might have to take pictures. And the decor? yeah, even better. Every room is decorated with so many cute little things. It's just so homey, but also looks like it could come out of one of those magazines. But it's not like, you don't want to touch anything and you have to leave your shoes at the door and only eat in the kitchen. It's comfortable and classy at the same time. Basically, I love it.
The first couple days I'm pretty sure they were a little worried about me because I mostly just stayed upstairs and read in Larke's room or watched tv. Jantz (Larke's little brother) was always like, where have you been all day? Yeah, so I felt dumb haha. But I've gotten more used to everything, and it's been fun.
Oh, and there was a little den of foxes out in front of the house - a mom and i think 3 babies. They're pretty cute. They moved a couple days ago. Oh, and deer! They are everywhere. On the roadside, in the backyard, in the front yard, in the neighbors yard. I went on a walk today and when I was walking back there were 2 deer like 3 feet away from me on the driveway. Kind of freaky haha.
I'll try to take pictures soon and post them for all to see. I miss everyone a lot!
Song-of-the-Week: She Works Hard for the Money by Kris Allen. That's right, American Idol. I pretty much love Kris. I don't think he will win, but he might be my favorite. I guess this song is kind of ironic at the moment since I'm not working, but in normal life, she does work hard for the money. And I've recently become aware that I love shopping even more than ever, which is not so good with no money coming in haha.
Well, I've made it to Colorado in one piece. Ok, so I got here on Saturday, but I just haven't been in the blogging mood until now.
The ride here wasn't too bad. Everyone, mainly mom, was really worried that I would fall asleep. But nothing of the sort happened. I thought I would want to be on the phone most of the time, but that also didn't happen. It actually scared me more when I was on the phone. Mostly because I wasn't at all familiar with where I was going and it was really windy at some points and it rained off and on and well, I was paranoid. Being in the car that long made everything that much more scary. It must have something to do with being confined in a small space all alone for hours. haha.
It was pretty nice though, just being by myself, blaring music and singing along. Well that wasn't the whole time, I also listened to some conference talks, mostly through the mountains when I was scared I was going to die from the wind and rain/snow action. But I like music a lot. I haven't driven my car since I got here and I miss the radio. Perhaps I'll venture out on my own tomorrow....
Ok, so clearly it wasn't that bad of a drive because, and don't tell anyone, especially my parents, but I took pictures while I was driving so I could document my fun adventure.
First of all, here is deb and i saying our last goodbyes. it was so very sad. I miss you bestie!!!
Here is the one picture I got of me where I risked looking at the camera. Scary I know.
Here is my trusty companion that offered me great services, such as holding crackers, water, gatorade, soda, necessary maps, and of course my beautiful clothes. Don't worry, I was sure to strap it in for extra protection.
This was actually inside an awesome tunnel, but you can't really tell. So mostly this just showcases part of my packed car. Ok, so it wasn't really that packed. but you should have seen the carload I took to my dad's - my car was packed full. I only took like clothes, movies, makeup and such, and of course my guitar.
I miss you all. a lot. but I've been having a lot of fun out here and I just hope I can make this trip something to remember.
Dang I totally forgot a song of the week haha, i know you all are always waiting in anticipation to see which song i'm going to pick. well, at least i'm entertained by it...
Song-of-the-Week: She is Love by Parachute. I finally found out who sung this song. I loved it the first time I heard it but I could never figure out who it was by. Anyway, I think it's a real cute one.
Here are some of the reasons I am SO excited to go to Colorado and live with Larke:
-going to movies
-going to out to eat
-getting all dressed up
-going shopping and buying some amazing new clothes
-eating Larke's brownies. so good
-living in a nice house
-lounging about watching movies and tv shows
-getting away from Provo. it's sad, but necessary
-first long road trip on my own, which = cruising in my car with blaring music and singing along to all the music I want
-spending money I don't have
-partying it up as much as possible
-meeting new people...which is a good thing right?
-listening to a lot more country music than usual
-having so much fun with Larke!
I would include a fab picture, but I'm at work and thus don't have the pictures I want.
Speaking of pictures, I will try to take as many as possible. But I've been having problems getting pictures off my camera so there might not be pictures posted for a bit, but I'm trying my best to remedy the situation.
Song-of-the-Week: I shall dedicate this one to Larke. Suspicions by Tim McGraw. Besides the fact that I do like this song, I always think of Larke when I hear it. I can just picture her singing along to it as we drive in her car. Good times.
um, how cool would it be if i had a bbq for my wedding reception? but everything would be smaller, like mini hamburgers and hot dogs? ooo, and delish baked lays. and for dessert we could have like mini old fashion cake donuts with sprinkles. it would be laid back and awesome and i wouldn't have to have a line....oh to dream haha
...not that i'm getting married soon or even close to it, at all, but i just saw this commercial and for some reason it reminded me of bbq and weddings?
the end
So...last day of classes. woot. I slept in today until 10:15. It was fantastic, even though it was so not allowed. and then i rushed to get to devotional to sit with andy and, well, let's just say that i did not have enough time to properly get ready. and the rain didn't help. so i've just been pretending all day that i look great with my hair up and yesterday's makeup still on. haha. i have natural beauty....right?
I'm so excited that it's almost over. things have been real good, for no real reason really, probably just because i'm awesome haha.
I'm leaving for the big CO in like 9 days. I know I'm only going to be gone for a couple months, but it still seems like a long time. I'm not going to see anyone I know, it's just going to be Larke and me and Larke's fam, which I do know, and her friend Stephanie, so i guess it won't be too weird. but still! no family parties, no friend parties. except of course for the ones that Larke and I will be having every night! I'm going to miss you all and I'll try to take lots of pictures and blog as much as possible, which I'm sure won't be a problem seeing as i won't have school and i may or may not have a job.
Oh and my mom got back from Hawaii today! I'm so glad she's back, I have missed her terribly.
This next week is going to be full of fun stuffs, which I am molto excited for....speaking of molto, I am so going to forget all of my Italian over the summer, I think i will need to do some major practicing. Anyway....
I wish I had some cool stories to tell....hmm...I made some delish brownies over the weekend. Oh, and I went to Easter dinner with Steve's family on Sunday, which equals Jared being there with his girlfriend. I know, what was I thinking, but it was actually pretty fun and we didn't even talk, so it was only a little awkward. I just wanted to see the fam before I left. don't worry though, i looked hot haha
well i must go turn in my last paper of the semester.
Al dog's song-of-the-week: Cry Me a River by Glen Hansard. I have a love of cover songs and i always forget that i like this song haha, which i am only ok with because it was popular a long time ago and thus is somewhat forgotten. but, um, i liked it then too...don't tell anyone.
Ok first of all, remember in Conference when Elder Snow talked about Robert Gardner Jr? Well, he is my great great great great great great grandpa. That's right, I am directly descended from him. Not to brag or anything, but the Gardners are pretty much amazing. That Robert was a keeper if you ask me. Oh, and his brother Archibald? Yeah, he was quite the ladies man, he had like 70 children with like 20 wives. Robert only had like 30 kids and like 10 wives. And I've actually read some of his personal journal that was talked about. He had quite the life of challenges. Anyway, just showing a little Gardner pride. And dang I hope I can live up to that legacy that has been passed down.
So, onto summer. I'm going to live with Larke for Spring term and I'm so excited! I think I'm going to leave the 25th, so like 2 1/2 weeks. I'm driving good ol' Sally, so hopefully she'll make it. And speaking of Sally, I renamed her a long time ago but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. So, if anyone remembers, tell me. I think it was an older name, like Bertha or Edna or something. I honestly can't remember and it's driving me crazy. Anyway....
I can't wait for this semester to be over! seriously. Although I think that partying needs to happen before I leave because I said so.
Sorry this post is kind of lame-o. I'll try to write another one before the week ends.
Ok, so a lot of posts ago, like a lot, I talked about a conference talk that I absolutely loved. Well, I keep meaning to post about it, and since we have conference this weekend, I better get this one out before then.
The talk is called The Way and it was given by Elder Lawrence E. Corbridge. Here's it in video form, in case reading it just doesn't suffice...
I listened to it again today as I walked on campus, and it is just such the best talk. I can't say anything about it without just saying exactly what he says. It really puts things into perspective you know? He just lays it all out there. You can choose Christ or you can choose Satan. It is your choice; you know the consequences. The gospel is easy, the world makes it hard. Don't ever give up, just keep on going. Just choose Christ and be happy - be filled with joy even. I don't know, I can't put it into the right words. But whenever I feel down, I listen to this talk, and it makes me feel better, like I can get through anything. That's the power of the gospel though, sometimes you can't explain it, but it just makes life better.
Song-of-the-Week: keeping with the gospel theme, I choose Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. This is one of my favorite church songs. love it. I like pretty much all the versions of this song. I like this guys voice. This one also has some beautiful piano playing, which gets me every time.
