I know it's a little late, but last last Saturday, the 19th, my best friend in the whole world got married. She was such a beautiful bride and she looked so happy standing next to her new husband, Jared. Of all the guys out there, I'm glad it was him who won her heart.So much has happened this week. A lot good and a lot bad. I don't know which to focus on. The good I think. The bad makes me too sad. So, the good:
I got offered to be a TA next semester (woot woot!) for our dear Professor Magleby. I'm really really really excited. I didn't think they would want me again.
I finished all my papers and such on time. Finals should be a breeze compared to my last week.
I still haven't adequate sleep since.....I don't even remember, last Tuesday or Wednesday I think. Yesterday was a beasty tired day. Today is a little less....this sounds like a bad part haha. The good part is that my body is amazing for staying awake and not hating me too much for not taking good care of it.
I get to throw Deb a bridal shower tonight. I'm super excited. I hope it's good. I don't think I'll ever compare to the friend that she is to me. I feel so priveledged to be her bestie and maid of honor. I feel like such a loser friend. She's just so amazing. So, I hope she loves the shower. Because, I love her :)
I've had so much fun this week with friends. They're worth getting less sleep for.
And speaking of being a TA, I better not be late to my Review Session, which starts in 12 minutes.
OH!! AND, I got accepted to go on Study Abroad in Europe during Spring term!!! I'm ecstatic! but, more on this later :)
loves.
I went to Temple Square on Monday with Laura, Jess, and their ward (I think maybe my first fhe attendance this semester ha). It was super cold. But also super pretty. It's really the same every year, but, it's always a different experience with different people. It was really fun. I just love these girls to death.
Back in Utah. not very excited about it. New Jersey was just way too good. this week was so much fun. i loved every second. I took a bunch of pictures, I'll try to post some soon. Here's one now for your enjoyment, Spiderman up close and personal:
My mother and I are leaving in a few hours to spend Thanksgiving in New Jersey with my awesome aunt and her family. Hopefully we get to go to the Met, which, let's be honest, would be my most favorite thing. I get to maybe go to the Thanksgiving Day Parade too. I get to make pies and be with family. I'd say a pretty good holiday week.
I guess I better go start packing.....
I haven't been able to come up with a good song of the week for a couple weeks, mostly because all the songs I want aren't on playlist. but, I've listened to this song a lot recently (and I also love the show :). love it:
Song-of-the-Week: Take a Bow by the cast of Glee (really just Lea Michele) I don't know why I've loved this song so much, but boy have I. Evertime it comes on my ipod I think, sad song, change it. but then it keeps going, and I love it. And my shout-out to Glee is that I love it. You should watch it.
I guess it's about time I write a blog haha.
My birthday was pretty much fantastic.
Thursday was a surprise birthday dinner/party. People just kept popping up: Derek, Amanda, Maria, my mom, Joel, Spencer. I have such cool friends. Amazing hamburgers and onion rings (my fave) and delish eclairs. Oh, and the coolest part, goodie bags, provided by my awesome mom. Very appreciated presents. So unexpected. So fun. Pretty much exactly what I needed.
Friday was a delish homemade dinner with Deb, Nikki, and Trisha. Awesome presents that I will treasure for always. Followed by an excellent girls night of movie-watching. A night with my bestie. I'm afraid the days for such partying are few, so it was a perfect present.
Saturday was a full day of RB (aka racquetball) and delcious sushi with Maria, dinner with my super cool family. really good pizza and the best chocolate cake ever. adorable niece who I think finally knows who I am and actually likes me. I love family time. Then movie with Maria and friends. 2012. intense. homework til 3. Slept at my dad's because my fear of slippy roads is extremely high these days.
Sunday - the BIG day. Recieved many a text and phone call, all of which I loved. It really turned into several days of partying followed by a day of relaxing on my actual birthday. Which really was all I could have asked for. I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon and it was amazing. Had some good, much needed talks with the parents. got really emotional - tears of happiness and relief. Felt extremely loved and undeserving of such love and presents.
Unfortunately, the only pictures taken were at the party on Thursday. so that is what I'm providing you with:
THANKS EVERYBODY!!!I found this nice little surprise at the end of a test:
"Not part of my essay!: I pay well! How about I give you $20 if you give me an A! Haha just kidding I only have $5 I can give you for an A :) cuz I'm a poor freshman with no spare cash!"
bribing, really?
I think he is my new favorite.
today has been kind of blah. so, in an act of desperation to make my day feel somewhat accomplished, i have come up with some words about the love of my life that is art...
I love art. Here are some things I love about it. I love art that makes you feel something. i love emotion. that makes you pause at the beauty. that makes you question everything you've ever known. i love drapery. the folds. the movement. the contrasting light and dark. i love color. bold color. beautiful combinations that make art worth looking at.
my hands-down favorite work of art. Nike of Samothrace.
whenever i feel like my life is crashing down, I like to look at this. she has just flown down and barely landed onto a ship. she looks so victorious. like, she can do anything. she is that powerful and confident. i love the drapery. like it's fighting against the forces of the wind. the forces of the world are upon her and she has no hesitation in taking it on.
I think this work is precious. it's not necessarily one of my favorites, but i definitely like it. it's Joseph and child by Guido Reni (one of my faves for sure). before this time, Joseph was rarely shown as being apart of Christ's life. but this painting. it's such an intimate relationship between Joseph and his son. He looks so entranced by Christ - like a father with his newborn baby. and Christ's response is playful and just, cute. i love seeing such cute relationships between fathers and their children.
I randomly found this on the internet a long time ago. Konstantin Flavitsky's Princess Tarakanova. There was a legend that she got locked in a room which then got flooded. she had no way out. she must accept her fate, whether she wants it or not. she has a look of such dispare. like life has given her the impossible and she feels utterly alone and helpless. i think we all feel like this sometimes. i know i do.
My bestie's birthday was yesterday. I hope she had a great day. She deserves it. School + graduation + planning a wedding + coming home to a messy apartment (and maybe messy roommate?) = need for some amazing birthdayness.
Thanks for putting up with me all the time Deb, you're the best best friend I could ask for.
Since I didn't take any pictures yesterday (terrible, I know), here is one of my favorite recent pictures of us:
the runway would be covered in leaves. because it would look so cool when the models walked through them. whenever i've walked home the past week, the ground is covered in leaves. and i love to kick them up as i walk. it's way too fun. it's nice having those little moments where i'm not thinking about anything important.
remember:
this
plus this
= really cool
Song-of-the-Week: All the Right Moves by OneRepublic. I love this song. Loved it from the moment I heard it...the second time. it gets stuck in my head sometimes, and then i listen to it, and then i'm happy. i think this would be a pretty cool runway song i think, which is fitting :) Unfortunately my lovely playlist.com doesn't have any songs by OneRepublic, so if you're dying to hear it, you can go here and watch it with the cool music video on YouTube. To compensate for no new song in my playlist, I've added Dressed to Kill by Landon Pigg. also love it. it gets stuck in my head too.
.JPG)
Today as I walked home from campus, a wave of leaves fell from the trees. I wanted them to keep falling. I wanted to lay in them and roll around like a little girl. I know that falling leaves means the onset of winter, which I loath. But, for those few moments, I welcomed the beauty.
Song-of-the-Day: Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. From the Once soundtrack. I also love Kris Allen's version.
Approximately one hour from now I will be on my way to California. Disneyland all day tomorrow. BYU football game on Saturday. With my super awesome friends Maria, Greg, and Derek. I hope to have lots of pictures to show you when I return.
After talking to one of my Art History professors, who tried to convince me to stay at BYU to get my masters degree, I'm slowly - and I mean slowly - coming around to the idea. I went through a few days of complete shock that I may stay in Utah for another 2 years. It just wasn't in the plan. At all. I was getting excited to leave.
But. Maybe it would be nice to stay. As long as it's not forever.
Maybe more on this later....
I know she's only a phone call away (10 minutes away even). But I know if I call her I'll start crying. Not because I'm sad - because I'm not - but just because. Because she's my mom and sometimes you just need a hug from your mom. To just hear her voice. Even when you're happy, which I am. Sometimes I try to be so independent that I forget how much I need her. Just to share happy moments with (and of course the sad ones too).
I feel like a little girl. I'm sitting at my desk at work. Near tears. Because I'm happy, but I still want my mommy. Like a 3 year old.
Song-of-the-Night: Party in the USA by our dear Miley Cyrus
...because it's been stuck in my head since you sang it to me half an hour ago
The football game on Friday was awesome. Very cold, but way fun. Also, at work we have this thing called "Cougarosity" where employees dress up for BYU football games when we play at home. I walked into my boss's office to ask him a question and the next thing I knew he was taking my picture because I was wearing a BYU shirt. Here is said picture. I didn't even win ha.
Conference was great, as always. Those apostles are just so cute.
I went to an awesome girly fondue party on Saturday night. It was delicious. I love fondue. When I get married, we are definitely registering for a fondue pot, that's all I can say.
I've been grading tests all weekend. It's been intense, let me tell you. Some are good, some are bad, and it's not so fun having to give people bad grades, even if they do deserve them.
Song-of-the-Week: Good Riddance by Green Day. I love playing this song on the guitar. And I miss my lovely guitar. So this is in commemoration of my current want to play it and inability to do so.
Well, I've narrowed down my grad school selection to 5. I think maybe that's a lot, but they cover a range of really good to just ok art history grad programs, so, someone has to let me in :)
1-Princeton (this is MY number one choice, not only because it's one of the best, but because it's only like 45 minutes from my aunt julie, which equals my favorite)
2-UC at Berkeley (they also are top-rated, but mostly the weather would be awesome, that's really the only appeal for me haha)
3-Northwestern [this is white] (they have a good program, but not as highly rated as UC and Princeton. also it looks like i could get my degree in a shorter amount of time, which is just what i want)
4-University of Colorado at Boulder (this was originally my top choice, before my eyes were opened to my potential. the only reason i would love going here was to be close to larke. otherwise, their program is good, but definitely nothing to write home about)
5-University of Utah [this is also white] (ok, this is like, "if no one accepts me, they have to" option. maybe i shouldn't even have this option, but, just in case, i need a back-up back-up)
I have graciously provided you with each school's colors, if that sways your opinion at all.
also, i think i really love football. like, i would watch it on tv (if i had one). maybe that's going a little far. but, byu games have been so much fun. i guess what i'm saying is, if my husband loves football, i'll watch it with him. so really, score for him.
song of the week: We Used to be Friends by The Dandy Warhols. because Veronica Mars is the best. and this is the theme song. love it.
It seems like I haven't put music up here in a while, and I've been listening to some pretty awesome music today, so here's a few selections....
Makeover by David Cook. My relationship with my dear David is touch and go most of the time. Today has been a "go" day. I've probably listened to this song dozens of times, but today I finally decided that I like it.
Three Cheers for Five Years by Mayday Parade. I've been listening to Mayday Parade at least once a day for the past couple weeks. I love them. lots. I just think they're awesome.
If You Wanted a Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask by Mayday Parade. I know, another one. But I love them that much. They have such cool song titles. Of all the songs I look up on songmeanings.net (which is a lot), I probably look up Mayday Parade songs the most.
Drawing a Line in the Sand by Brandtson. I got this song free on iTunes a really long time ago. And I still love it. How could you not? It's like a song of victory. After getting your heart broken and finally getting over it.
Down by SafetySuit. I stumbled upon this song whilst looking for another of their songs, Stay (which I also love). I really like this song. I know I say that for, like, every song I put on here, but, that's why I put them on here haha. So, you should just listen to it.
This is me trying to be optimistic about this:
-i COULD see the world in a whole new light
-i COULD actually enjoy living in a "foreign" place
-i COULD find a job to pay the bills that doesn't make me miserable
-i COULD find a great place to live
-i COULD get scholarships and not have to pay for school
-i COULD fall even more in love with Art History
-i COULD fall madly in love with a guy who wants to marry me (doubtful, but possible)
-i COULD actually enjoy getting a Ph.D.
-i COULD be really speedy and not be gone for like, a million years (and by million I mean more than 5)
-i COULD get a great education that COULD get me a real nice job someday
-i COULD make some amazing new friends
-i COULD travel the world
-i COULD actually find some happiness in a new place
But even after all of that, it still means leaving family. friends. comfort. But, I'm trying to be positive about that too:
-i'll still be able to come home for holidays
-i can come home during the summer, if i want
-everyone is only a phone call away
-i have facebook to see pictures and stay updated
-friends and family could come visit me (with bribes of course)
and with all of THAT said, I may not even get into the places I want. Maybe I'll end up going to UofU. but maybe, just MAYBE, I'll get accepted to the places I want, like Northwestern, or UC, or some other great place I find.
So, I'm sure you've all heard me complain about how I don't want to go to grad school, and especially about not wanting to get a Ph.D. But, I'm trying to be more positive about it. Because I've decided, you know what? why not. I'm not married, I don't have kids. Why not just go for it? All the way. If that stuff happens to be an issue, then great, I'll take it as it comes. But for now, I really have nothing to lose.
My biggest complaint about a Ph.D. is that I don't want to be in another state at some school for like, years and years. But really, even though it will be so sad to be away from family and friends and the life I've grown accustomed to, there really isn't a solid, major reason for me not to pursue such a degree. And really, it will be good for me to be out "on my own". And if I really do go for it, then it should be somewhere good. Not just a place that's "close to family" or "close to friends". It should be a place that will actually give me a good education - you know, that could actually get me somewhere, if necessary.
I just kind of hate making these plans because really, it makes it permanent. And permanence scares me. Because I don't want to leave here. I want to leave Provo. But not my family. And not my friends. That scares me the most. Being all alone. Who am I going to hang out with? Who's going to make me laugh after a hard day? Who's going to give me a hug just because they love me? It makes me teary-eyed just thinking about it.
I also hate it because it seems like I'm going to somehow lose the chance to get married. I know that sounds totally irrational. And it is. But it's still there. In my mind. Everyday. You're choosing to go to school so you can work, which means you're not going to get married for a long time. I hate that I think like that, but I just can't get that thought to go away. Especially because I don't see another option. I can't not go to grad school, because a bachelors degree in Art History equals crap.
So, it's my destiny I suppose. The plan I've created for myself without even knowing it. It just scares me. The unknown. The possibilities. I've only looked at the pessimistic ones. So many good things could happen I know, but I'm not breaching those quite yet. I still need some time to relish in my fear. Then I'll share all the good things that could happen :)
Here's four schools that I've kind of looked at. I think I like Northwestern....
http://graduate-school.phds.org/rankings/art-history/compare-programs?p1=20817&p2=21403&p3=19698&p4=23253&p5=19779&p6=20098
On another note, I played Rock Band with my family for a few hours today. and had my favorite meal. and ate delicious pie and cake. and heard my adorable niece say "Ali" lots of times. And it brought me to two conclusions: 1-I love Rock Band, and 2-I LOVE my family
As you can see, i'm managing my time better so that i have more time for the important things, such as blogging.
I have a wee bit of a cold. It started Sunday morning. But I think it's almost gone. Which is good. I can't be sick this semester. It just can't happen. Ha, watch now I'm going to get really sick.
I love 3-day weekends. I think they should happen every week. Here's a bit of what I did: Saturday (in Eagle Mountain) - went to Julie and Julia (loved it). ate some Pie (delicious). watched the BYU game and did some homework (yay for BYU! they were amazing!) [I'm trying to get more into the football scene, considering I bought an all-sports pass this year - i know, ME - so far, so good]. i don't remember what happened after that. Oh yeah! duh. Went to get SUSHI for the first time. I was really scared, but you know what? I actually liked it. And want to try it again (I know, I've been surprising myself a lot lately). Watched Moulin Rouge (good times).
Sunday - church at 8:30 in the morning! madness. but the nap afterward was very nice. Went to EM (eagle mountain...), watched a movie, ate cake (that I made, mind you...a week previously). threw cake away.
Monday - did homework all morning (so proud of myself). Went to Deb's pool party. Swam for the first time in my new swimsuit! so cute, but, i've never not worn shorts with my swimsuit, so, that was kind of weird. Went to a movie, got to eat delish corn dog and ice cream cone in the theatre.
All in all, an excellent weekend. and oh look, my time is up.
Song-of-the-week: Warm Whispers by Missy Higgins. I pretty much like her new stuff a lot. And this happened to be the first song I could find in the ten seconds I have to write this. Anyway, like it a lot.
I have exactly 5 minutes before i need to scamper off to Italian 201. So we'll see what i can write about for 5 minutes. good luck.
This week has been crazy, and it's only barely half-way done. I have been non-stop. Classes are definitely a plenty this semester. 16 credits. I've never attempted such a load before. 12 all the way was my motto. but no longer. graduation is in sight.
oh, and TAing for ArtHC 202. that adds another class. so, 6 in total that i will be attending in these next few months. intense. that's all that crosses through my mind. oh an work at the CTL. of course i could never forget that.
i am still in limbo with my schedule of working. pretty much i'm going to be on campus from 9-4 everyday, somedays longer, hopefully friday's will be shorter. and i will only get 2 half an hour breaks where i don't have to work. which is right now. monday and wednesday's from 11:14 - 11:50.
I'm getting more and more excited about getting into the flow of things. even though it scares me. all that work. all that focus. i'm going to have to cut back on the fun. but maybe that just means that when fun does happen, it will have to be more concentrated. so...extra fun, just less often. i think maybe i can handle that. it's for the greater good, after all (which is graduation with admission to a grad school of my choice. in case you were wondering).
Well, 5 minutes is up and i must be off. not even time for a song. sad.
I'm missing a lot of things right now....
I miss my glenwood roommates, especially Laura and Jessica. I wish we were roommates again. We had so much fun together. I miss watching them make dinner and then sitting around talking and talking and laughing.
I miss Larke. It always makes me so sad that we live so far away from each other. Life is just better when we can hang out. I wish she was here to make me brownies and watch a movie with me.
I miss my dear bestie. Maybe you've heard from her recently? because I sure haven't. Her name is Debbie and if you see her, tell her that her bestie is miserable without her and that she should probably finish moving into her new place so that we can be roommates again.
I miss living in nice places. This place I am forced to call home is a hole. I know I say that I can live anywhere, and I can, but, I guess it would be easier if I had a reason to smile about it. Like, a roommate and best friend to laugh with.
I miss food. I haven't eaten dinner yet. But I'm too scared/awkward to go into the kitchen when people are in there. Pathetic I know.
I miss Eagle Moutain. Mostly Eagle Mountain friends. I loved being able to, at any time, go and hang out with people. I feel so lonely here. I feel like if I want to go see someone here, I have to plan a time and make it a big deal. It can't just be a, "hey i'm lonely, can i come over?"
I know I'm being a downer right now. I'm just dreading school and having to do homework and be in provo and look for grad schools. I'm not ready for my crazy life to start again. I liked it just the way it was this summer. it was perfect.
Song-of-the-Week: Already Home by Ha-Ash (with Brandi Carlile). Sometimes you just have to stop looking. And realize that what you need is right in front of you.
Here's a walk through of my day at Lagoon. I hope you enjoy every second of it. because i sure did:
8am: get up after like 2 hours of sleep. for reasons that will not be explained. feel really nauseous. eat half a piece of toast, throw the rest away.
9:15am: arrive at Derek and Greg's. late. Soon after: Derek, Greg, Maria, and Ali leave for a fun-filled day at Lagoon!
10ish: get breakfast at McDonald's. somehow eat most of it. nasty.
10:30am: get to Lagoon. race a mexican van to the entrance. lose. forced to ride Wicked for the first time. thought it would be super scary, but was actually super fun. rode Collosus. also fun. ready for more.
11:20ish: in line for round two of Wicked. neck and head start itching for no apparent reason. halfway through the line, start getting really dizzy. Can't walk straight. Things get fuzzy. have to sit down every few feet. Derek talks to me and his voice is muffled. i'm going deaf, great. get up, move a few feet, stumble to the ground. everything is spinning. pretty sure i'm going to pass out at any moment. or throw up. or both. decide going on Wicked is probably the worst idea right now. Somehow stumble out of the line while Greg tells the employee girl that i'm scared to fall out while on the ride (which is true). get about 6 feet away from the line with Maria in tow. collapse on the ground. positive throwing up is going to happen. locate the spot by some lockers that this will take place, since moving is not an option. Derek runs to get some water. realize the previous itchy feeling is hives and it's spreading fast. lay face on the ground. nausea subsides a bit. Maria tries talking to me, to get me to move to a better place (like where hundreds of people can't see me pathetically curled in a ball on the ground). can't talk. no energy. hold finger up. "one second". Derek returns with water. Lift head up and try to sip. proves difficult, but not impossible. nausea returns full-force. head back on ground. finally convinced to move to a better place. sit up. realize i'm covered in nasty groundness. somehow get to a table in the shade. collapse on the seat. drink drink drink. more hives. everywhere now it seems. lay head on the bench. want to go to the first aid place, but it's far away and i know i won't make it. Maria goes to get a first aid person. they return with a wheelchair.
12:30/1ish: get to the first aid place. get blood pressure taken, blood sugar taken (yeah, getting pricked with a needle didn't make me any more nauseous ha. "it feels like a paper cut". um, i HATE paper cuts). take benadryl = sleepiness. start shaking from possible cold-ness and nausea (i shake a lot when i'm nauseous, i don't know why). lay on the provided bed for about an hour or so. can finally think and talk like a normal person again. hives subside. Greg and Derek run to Target to get some anti-nausea stuff. take that too = more sleepiness.
2:30ish: feel a lot better, leave the first aid place. only now i can barely keep my eyes open i'm so incredibly tired. but i stick it out because, well, i can't possibly waste any more of my fun-filled day at lagoon. time is running out. Proceed to go on more rides, eat half a hot dog, fall asleep at the table, go on more rides.
go home, more fun is had.
end of the day: realize how lucky i am to have such amazing friends who would sacrifice their day at lagoon to take care of my sudden outbreak of unexplained misery. and for making it possible for me to somehow have an amazing and fun time despite all of it.
I just want to lay in my bed all day and listen to music.
I almost forgot how much I love music. We mostly listened to Indian music whilst camping. And the occasional songs from "The Last Unicorn" (which is now stuck in my head, by the way).
I've been gone so much this summer. I haven't really had time to process everything going on. I need some time for processing. Just me in a room with music.
thinking, singing, sleeping, eating.
I won't get that chance, but I've been dreaming about it all day.
Song-of-the-Week: Lullaby by The Spill Canvas.
i just read a blog, in which was said "holla!" and I thought, ha, haven't heard that in a while. so, i have brought its presence to my blog. I hope you appreciate its amazingness as a word.
In other news, I'm back in Utah. Colorado was amazing. I'll try to post some pictures later. I had so much fun. I bought two new pairs of jeans, a cute new shirt, and a cute hat that I'm real excited to wear around. Plus, my new swimsuit came while I was gone so my mom had it in the car when she picked me up. It's pretty amazing I must say. And of course I got to spend a whole bunch of time with Larke, which was the best part! I miss her lots.
I've been in kind of a weird mood since I've been back. I don't know why. I'm trying to snap out of it.
Song-of-the-Week: Stay by Safety Suit. I just really like this song.
Today is the day I leave for the beautiful Colorado. I seriously can. not. wait!
I packed half of my things while on the phone with deb, and packed the rest late last night. I certainly hope I didn't forget anything. And that I packed enough shirts. I honestly don't remember what I threw into my suitcase.
I'm super tired today.
I think I've averaged at least one yawn every 5 minutes. But who can think about sleep at a time like this?! I get fly across the Rocky Mountains. When I land I'll sift my way through the huge airport, gather up my luggage, and wait for Larke and Jantz to pick me up and whisk me away to Johnny Carinos, where we will eat 'til we're stuffed. And thus will begin my week of fun.
On another fantastic note, my amazing mother ordered my dream swimsuit for me. I can't wait to have it. I may have to go swimming soon.
Song-O-the-Week: If I Were a Boy (Remix) by Beyonce feat. R Kelly. Brilliant. Does more need to be said? I think not.
you don't believe me do you?
well, neither do i.
but I found this fabulous swimsuit and i want it so bad that i'm willing to change my entire outlook on the swimming front. just look how cute it is!
what do you think? is it a keeper? should i purchase it?
today
i am tired
really tired
but not cranky tired. not yet
i am happy. life is good. and for that i'll take a little sleepiness.
song-of-the-week: i hate everything about you by three days grace. but today i don't hate you. today, i love everything about you.
Do you ever have moments or days when you just feel so full of love you fear you might burst? I have them every once in a while. I feel like I don't have enough people in my life to properly distribute such amounts of love. I want to hug everyone and tell them I love them (it's times like these that I'm grateful for my shyness). I want to smile as big as my mouth will allow and laugh to the sky. because life feels just that good. It has those moments when I wish I had someone I could just run up to and hold for an indefinite amount of time. Just be in the moment and feel completely at peace and so very very happy. bask in the joy.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone deserving of my love. That sounds selfish and conceited, I know. But, I think of all the people out there who could take advantage, who I would willingly give all I had for, only to be selfishly abandoned. left with nothing.
Is there really someone out there who will understand the importance of such a gesture? who will stay with me forever? who will deserve all the love i have to give, because he will in turn be giving such love to me?
I hope I have these moments the rest of my life. So when I have kids I can snatch them up and hug and tickle them until they laugh uncontrollably and I can hear the love and happiness that I feel. So when I have a husband I can surprise him at work with a piece of chocolate cake that we can share at his desk and laugh at all the silly things in our wonderful lives.
the past couple days i've been noticing little things that make me smile. so i decided i would record some, and maybe i'll try to keep it up every once in a while.
Sometime last week: was walking on campus when a random guy walking by said, "hey! how are you today?!" it kind of shocked me, thus making my response quiet and awkward. but afterwards i couldn't help but smile.
Tuesday: stopped by my mom's house to find a plate full of BYU's mint brownies. if that doesn't put a smile on your face, i don't know what will. they are my fave. so of course i ate one....or two. and i enjoyed every second.
Thursday: saw a construction worker carrying a "road work ahead" sign. i had no idea those signs were so big. it was like the big/little world in mario64. the sign was huge and the guy was tiny. i laughed out loud.
Friday: saw a woman walking out of the women's bathroom carrying a plant watering can. i'm sure she was just filling it up, but even so. it was one with a really long spout. my first thought was, what the watering can? i smiled.
Al dog's song-of-the-week: This is for Keeps by The Spill Canvas. This song is so precious. I read that he wrote it after reading Twilight. Anyway, i like it even without that connection, maybe more actually. It's just so sweet to hear a guy telling a girl that being with her even for eternity isn't enough, he loves her that much.
I've always wanted to live in a small town. Something about them just feels so homey. Whenever I watch Gilmore Girls I wish I lived in Stars Hollow.
I want a gazebo in the middle of town where all the events take place. Fourth of July breakfast, Easter Egg hunts, carnivals.
I especially want a place like Luke's, where everyone goes for some good food, the place to hang out.
Town meetings sound like quite the fun time in my book. A good place to make decisions and possibly get a good laugh.
And yes, I even want a town troubadour, not only because I love hearing the guitar, but well, who doesn't love a good troubadour?
When I "grow up" I fully intend to find a good ol' small town and settle in for some good times.
I realized this morning whilst making my glorious 45 minute drive to work (which I really do love) that I've been single for only 3 months. I don't know why, but it was quite the shocker haha. It seems like it's been SO much longer than that. In a good way. So much has happened, so many things have changed. I feel like a completely different person than I was 3 months ago. I've learned so much about myself, about what I want, about the person I hope to be, about what's important in my life, but also about others and the reasoning's behind their choices. Like, I understand so much more why things have happened in the way they did. Even now, it seems like everyday I get more and more okay with the different things in my life that are going on. It still isn't easy, but it's workable, and that's all I can hope for.
I think I've become stronger (emotionally and mentally, not physically ha). I think I've become more sure of myself, come into my own skin more, if you will. I'm more comfortable with myself. I've seen how some past decisions have made me maybe less happy than I want to be, and I know now what to look for in order to avoid making similar mistakes. Like relationships, since I brought up the subject haha. I've made some pretty bad choices when it comes to relationships (maybe "bad choices" isn't the right phrase. more like, I acted in ways that weren't true to myself). Not just with boyfriends, but with other boys that I've liked and gone on dates with, even if it never got more serious. My total outlook on the whole dating situation has changed. At least in my mind it has, in practice it has turned out to be a little more difficult. But I'm not as naive as I used to be. Nor am I as desperate. Of course I still want to be loved by someone, but I'm not willing to be the only one to sacrifice for it to happen. I'm not waiting around anymore - let him wait for me. No more one-sided relationships. It's got to be two-sided all the way. And I'm not doing the chasing anymore. I'm leaving the men's work to the men.
Song-of-the-Week: Closer to Love by Mat Kearney. I've loved this song from the first moment I heard it. I also love his new album, which I have yet to purchase, but definitely intend to. We all have our moments when the world comes crashing down around us. We find ourselves shocked and in disbelief. In our rooms crying for relief, for a miracle. And we all have in our minds the dream that through all of it, there will be someone there to offer a shoulder to cry on, to pick us back up, to pull us back to the surface, to bring us closer to hope, closer to love. Love, the raw emotion - the light in the dark - that always surfaces in the midst of tragedy.
I just read this book called The Memory Keeper's Daughter.
I was really skeptical about it at first, but my mom read it for book club, so I gave it a chance. It was a really intense book. Most of it is really depressing, and some of the characters were really frustrating. But, after I finished it I decided that I really did like it. It gave really good perspective on life. The book is centered on choices. One choice really. A split-second decision that changed the course of a family's life forever.
It's always so crazy to think about all of our decisions and how they shape our lives. Sometimes we choose to do things that have minor effect on our futures, but sometimes we choose to do things that will forever impact our futures, whether it's for good or bad. Usually we have time to think over our choices before we make big changes. Hopefully marriage is one of those things, and buying a house or car, deciding on a major, etc. But sometimes things are decided so fast that we barely have time to really think things over before changes are already in motion. In the book, the father makes a decision in the moment and doesn't realize the impact it's going to have in his life. It's a decision that he keeps secret from everyone in his life, even his wife. And it destroys his marriage. He never tells his family what he did. He thought he was keeping everyone safe by keeping this secret, but really he was destroying his own life and the lives of those around him. He was so stubborn, he was afraid of what would happen if he told what he did, he thought it would ruin everything, but instead, by keeping it to himself, everything was ruined anyway. It's so interesting to see how certain decisions pan out in the long run. It may be barely detectable, but every choice we make shapes every moment of our lives.
The book goes through the character's lives. It focuses a few chapters on a year or two of each of their lives and then it skips several years. I think it goes through 20 or 30 years. It really made me stop and think about how things change over the years and the possibilities that life holds. I'm only 21, I still have 3 or 4 more "20 year" spans to look forward to. That's a lot of time.
I think it's really easy for us to get caught up in our own lives and in silly superficial things that aren't really important to our overall life. We forget that we have years left to live. Especially being single and in college, nothing is really permanent, everything is changing and sometimes I feel completely lost. I get so focused on one thing that I forget that in 5 years, everything will probably be totally different.
So, I'm sure you're wondering why in the world would I decide to leave my dear Larke and the beautiful Colorado. Well, sadly, Larke and I have decided that me leaving is the best thing for both of us right now. You see, we have both acquired some....unwanted "baggage" of, say, about 5+ pounds each, since I've gotten here. I don't think I need to emphasize the seriousness of this issue. How will we ever be able to find happiness in our lives if this continues? There is just too much at stake. So, the decision was made that I must leave so as to save our happiness, and, let's face it, our lives.
And if you believed any of that then you should be ashamed of yourself. We're not that shallow...most of the time. But for reals. I haven't been able to find a job and as nice as it's been not having to work (it's been fantastic, by the way), my chances of surviving college with no money are, well, slim to none. And I feel good about going back. I'm not sure why, since I don't really have much to look forward too in Utah for the rest of the summer, but I've got the faith, and that's all that matters right? So, I'm going back to my amazing BYU job (and you better believe i'm taking the stairs) and hopefully I'll be living at my dad's in the good ol' Eagle Mountain, sleeping in a bed all to myself, not my own bed, of course - that was disposed of long ago, but a bed all for myself nonetheless :)
Can I just say that I miss my family? I honestly didn't think I would get homesick, and I didn't really. Until this last week. I miss my mom (especially her hugs, as previously noted). And I miss my dad (and his hugs, they're amazing). It's sad knowing that I'm missing family parties and birthdays and stuff. Two months is not a long time, I know, but it was a good glimpse.
With all that said, I'm going to miss Larke so much! and her family. they are amazing (have I used that word too much in one post?). they have been nice to let me live in their house and eat their food and lounge about with no care in the world (me, not them). I'm sure they'll be glad to be rid of me. haha. They are hilarious. I laugh a lot. Jantz (larke's little brother) has been my entertainment when Larke's at work or school. He's hilarious. and a punk at the same time. so basically like the little brother i never had (....until of course i got 4 little brothers).
I love living out here - my dad and stepmom would LOVE it. seriously, they should move out here, there is no other place out there this perfect...well, ok, if it didn't snow here, then it would be perfect.
I'm gonna miss shopping for clothes (with money I don't have), going out to eat (with money I don't have), watching movies (those are free...usually), dvr-ing countless tv shows (of which I have now become addicted to - the tv shows, not the dvr...ok a little bit the dvr), watching csi for as long as my heart desires (also courtesy of dvr), eating larke's brownies (they are THE best), not holding back comments (which are always meant to be funny of course and result in me laughing - sometimes i say funny things ok? there's no one else i can do such things with), trying to fall asleep after larke has reached her "slap happy" state and won't stop laughing, thus making me laugh, which equals less sleep for her (not for me, I sleep until whenever I want...which is always 9 for some reason), and, well, just hanging out with larke doing whatever (like writing this blog while she writes a talk for church tomorrow-and the inspiration for the title of this post. yep i'm going to miss even these moments), and countless other things which i'll withhold, from this post at least.
I'm only a little sorry this blog was so long. But honestly, if you really count me as a friend then you'll have suffered through it. Although if you would use the word "suffer" then maybe we shouldn't be friends...
Song-of-the-Week make up: I don't think i did one last week - because i'm a slackface. so here it is: Ain't No Sunshine by Kris Allen. I know, I know, another one! But this one is only a tribute because he won! I was shocked. shocked! he's my fave, but Adam was better and I think he deserved it more to win. But alas, that was not the case. I'm super excited for his cd to come out. So, enjoy my dears!
oh and ps, i'm going to post pictures if not tomorrow then for sure on monday, so, mark your calendars. ha!
I wish you were all here right now. It is pouring rain. Like, pouring. and it is so beautiful. I should really be out there right now dancing around. I love rain out here. It's not like Utah rain; it actually stays for more than like 10 minutes. Sometimes it rains half the day. I love it. I'm going to miss it. and Colorado for that matter. Oh, I guess I should confirm that I am, in fact, coming back to Utah like planned in the middle of June, the 18th is the plan. I'm excited to be back home, and you better believe you're going to be seeing me! but boy am I going to miss this place. It's been so much fun.
My camera batteries are charging right now, but when they finish I'll try to put up some pictures of the past few weeks...unfortunately none from the amazing rain because of previously mentioned batteries.
So it's kind of ridiculous that i've been here for almost a month and i still have no new pictures. i'm sure you're disappointed, because i certainly am. i wish i could tell you that my camera isn't working or i lost a vital piece of it, but i can't because that would be lying. i should have so many pictures to show off, but i have zero...unless you count pictures of just me, then i have a lot haha, but no one wants to look at those but me. So this post is a promise of more pictures to come.
Also, i love my mom. and frantic 30 second phone conversations. and talk of gilmore girls. especially when the three are combined.
Ok, so I forgot that I planned to write another blog this week....so here it is haha.
Some updates...I talked to my boss at BYU and he is a-okay with letting me stay here all summer and for sure on letting me still work in the fall, which is just fantastic. All I need to do is find a job, which will ultimately be the determining factor. I've applied for a couple already. I just really hate looking for jobs and I honestly really don't want to get a job, so the motivation factor is certainly getting in the way. But I know I have to, so I'm trying real hard to want it to happen. Along with the staying business, I think that I'm going to have to cut out pretty much all my traveling...well, mostly. I'm 100% for sure going to daisy's wedding and my family camp thing in August. I'm pretty sure i'll be going to San Diego with Larke, although it might cost too much, we'll see. Anyway, I'm really bummed I don't get to do the other stuff, like a lot. But oh well, I guess that's life. You have to have money if you want to do it all. But I'll see Stevo in two years and my family will still be there with more family reunions to come in the future.
Larke and I went to eat at Cheesecake Factory tonight. It was delish, as always. but this time instead of getting what I always get, I got orange chicken. and let me tell you, it was amazing, exactly what i was in the mood for, perfect. (and i made the decision really fast, which never happens) and then I got the brownie sundae cheesecake (because how on earth can you go to the cheesecake factory and not get cheesecake? i mean really). I've wanted to get this one for quite some time, because, well, i love love love hot fudge, but for some reason i just haven't. so i got it (i know, a night of risk taking, haha) and it was so so good.
So, good times. I do miss lots of people though, especially my mom's hugs.
Song-of-the-Week: Heartless by Kris Allen. I know I know, 2 Kris Allen songs in a row? but really, i love love (man i'm on a roll with the double words tonight haha) this song, especially when he sings it. he's my fave. i have bought so many of his songs off iTunes, it's kind of ridiculous, but i just can't help myself. Kanye's version is pretty fantastic, but, well, so is this one.
Whoa, it has been a real long time since i've written anything. I've been thinking about maybe staying here for the whole summer. There are so many things in the air, but I really want to stay. However, that means I would have to get a job. And, there are so many things going on this summer that if i stayed, i would have to choose what to go to, since travelling isn't all that cheep. Here's the fun things going on:
May 31: Stevo, basically our 7th roommate at the Glenwood (and our fhe dad) has his farewell in California. I really want to go because my roommates will be there and I didn't say goodbye to him before I left, which is just not allowed. If I go, I would fly to Utah on the 28th, drive with two of my roommates on Friday to California, then leave on Monday to Utah, and fly back on Tuesday. If I don't go, I can always wait until his homecoming in two years. And of course I'm going to write him on the mish.
June 19-20: Family Reunion with Steve's family at cabins up in Heber. I love family get togethers and so of course I want to go to this, but my mom said that if necessary, I don't have to go. I wouldn't be that heartbroken if I didn't go, but it would be fun. If I went, I would probable fly in Friday morning and then fly back Sunday. It's also my dad and sister's birthday that week, so I would probably be able to see them, which would be nice.
July 8-13: Larke's friend is getting married in San Diego and she wants me to come with her so she can have a friend. It would be way fun to go. And on my way back I could just fly to Utah for Daisy's wedding.
July 14: Daisy's wedding. Of course I am for sure coming to this no matter what, definitely wouldn't miss it. If I stay here and go with Larke to California, I'll just fly from there to Utah and then on the 15th I'll fly back to Colorado. If I got a job, I would have to make sure I had this time off.
August 13-18: Family trip with my dad. I'm so excited for this one and of course I'm going no matter what. We're going to some place in Colorado to go camping. There are like cave ruins and stuff. If I stay here I will probably meet up with my family for the trip and then go with them back to Utah when we're done.
I know this will sound cheesy, but even just being here for a few days, I've realized just how much I've missed Larke. We have so much fun together. And even though she has work and school and usually doesn't get home until like 8 or 9 at night, it's still been really good. She's such a good friend and honestly, she's helped me through so many hard times, even when we've been apart. And her family has been so nice and welcoming. Her mom is home during the day and so usually it's just her and me for most of the day. We go on walks in the mornings sometimes and she always makes sure I eat when I should. She's like my colorado mom (no offense mom, you'll always be the best). They have family dinner together. with real meals. It's fantastic. And their house is amazing. They built it a few years ago and the layout is so cool. I might have to take pictures. And the decor? yeah, even better. Every room is decorated with so many cute little things. It's just so homey, but also looks like it could come out of one of those magazines. But it's not like, you don't want to touch anything and you have to leave your shoes at the door and only eat in the kitchen. It's comfortable and classy at the same time. Basically, I love it.
The first couple days I'm pretty sure they were a little worried about me because I mostly just stayed upstairs and read in Larke's room or watched tv. Jantz (Larke's little brother) was always like, where have you been all day? Yeah, so I felt dumb haha. But I've gotten more used to everything, and it's been fun.
Oh, and there was a little den of foxes out in front of the house - a mom and i think 3 babies. They're pretty cute. They moved a couple days ago. Oh, and deer! They are everywhere. On the roadside, in the backyard, in the front yard, in the neighbors yard. I went on a walk today and when I was walking back there were 2 deer like 3 feet away from me on the driveway. Kind of freaky haha.
I'll try to take pictures soon and post them for all to see. I miss everyone a lot!
Song-of-the-Week: She Works Hard for the Money by Kris Allen. That's right, American Idol. I pretty much love Kris. I don't think he will win, but he might be my favorite. I guess this song is kind of ironic at the moment since I'm not working, but in normal life, she does work hard for the money. And I've recently become aware that I love shopping even more than ever, which is not so good with no money coming in haha.
Well, I've made it to Colorado in one piece. Ok, so I got here on Saturday, but I just haven't been in the blogging mood until now.
The ride here wasn't too bad. Everyone, mainly mom, was really worried that I would fall asleep. But nothing of the sort happened. I thought I would want to be on the phone most of the time, but that also didn't happen. It actually scared me more when I was on the phone. Mostly because I wasn't at all familiar with where I was going and it was really windy at some points and it rained off and on and well, I was paranoid. Being in the car that long made everything that much more scary. It must have something to do with being confined in a small space all alone for hours. haha.
It was pretty nice though, just being by myself, blaring music and singing along. Well that wasn't the whole time, I also listened to some conference talks, mostly through the mountains when I was scared I was going to die from the wind and rain/snow action. But I like music a lot. I haven't driven my car since I got here and I miss the radio. Perhaps I'll venture out on my own tomorrow....
Ok, so clearly it wasn't that bad of a drive because, and don't tell anyone, especially my parents, but I took pictures while I was driving so I could document my fun adventure.
First of all, here is deb and i saying our last goodbyes. it was so very sad. I miss you bestie!!!
Here is the one picture I got of me where I risked looking at the camera. Scary I know.
Here is my trusty companion that offered me great services, such as holding crackers, water, gatorade, soda, necessary maps, and of course my beautiful clothes. Don't worry, I was sure to strap it in for extra protection.
This was actually inside an awesome tunnel, but you can't really tell. So mostly this just showcases part of my packed car. Ok, so it wasn't really that packed. but you should have seen the carload I took to my dad's - my car was packed full. I only took like clothes, movies, makeup and such, and of course my guitar.
I miss you all. a lot. but I've been having a lot of fun out here and I just hope I can make this trip something to remember.
Dang I totally forgot a song of the week haha, i know you all are always waiting in anticipation to see which song i'm going to pick. well, at least i'm entertained by it...
Song-of-the-Week: She is Love by Parachute. I finally found out who sung this song. I loved it the first time I heard it but I could never figure out who it was by. Anyway, I think it's a real cute one.
